A Little Confession

I’ve sat down a million times to update this wedding blog. To inform anyone who may be tuning in on the goings on of this wedding that is just 3 ½ months away! But, every time I write I get about half way done and then I close my computer and walk away. It’s not because there is a lack of activity. We have gotten so much done lately that it’s making my head spin! But I think it is more because I am not enjoying the process as much as I thought I would, or feel like I should be, or want to. I think I’m afraid to say that, so I just don’t say anything.

Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot that I’ve enjoyed doing. The day we went and picked out my wedding dress was so much fun. Asking my bridesmaids is one of my favorite projects I’ve done for the wedding thus far, and even though the boxes were a lot of work, the end product and getting to hand each one of them something I put time, effort and love into meant a lot to me. Chowing down on catering options and cake flavors has been delicious and fun. However, a lot of it gets to be very overwhelming.

How do you translate the vision you’ve had in your head (and on your Pinterest board) into the real deal? How do you work within a budget when everyone you’re working with passes that over when they hand you a bill or an estimate? How do you keep EVERYONE involved happy while making yourself happy at the same time?

I am a person that is just very anxious by nature. My heart jumps when the phone rings. I stopped wanting actual birthday parties when I was 18 because I was afraid no one would come. The mere thought of pissing someone off makes my palms sweat. Granted, I am very good at masking and hiding my anxiety by being sassy when possible and most people I know probably would never expect it. The whole wedding planning process has thrown it into overdrive.

All of the miniscule decisions everyone says you’ll have to make that you don’t think you’ll have to make – you make. (I spent 10 minutes the other night at the place we’re getting our invitations from just deciding on if I wanted the inside of the envelope to be pink or silver!) The fights with your fiancé and/or family member’s people warn you about that you laugh off – they’ll happen. Your idea of ‘this is our wedding and we’re going to do exactly what we want no matter what”, probably out the window. People that are in the wedding - and even people that aren't - will criticize, question, complain about some of your choices (the tux rental is expensive, why are you getting married on THAT day, etc...). Wedding world is a different world. I commend and congratulate and am extremely jealous of any couple that really, truly gets to make every decision and have everything turn out perfect and never feel an ounce of guilt or frustration or nervousness. I am not that person.

Everything from the time of year we are getting married, to where we are registered at has been a tipping point for my anxiety. People (by people I mean maybe a small handful of people, but I digress) love to comment that on our wedding day there will probably be ice/snow/cold/tornados/any other gross sounding weather event on March 1^st. When I tell people where we are registered I get nervous they will somehow judge us for registering somewhere too fancy, or for too nice of things (which really is ridiculous because your wedding is the 1 time people will splurge on you and buy you nicer things without you having to gift back, and in that case I should have just registered at the Dollar Store). Having a religious wedding has been of some contention from friends and family “(I’m not religious”, “Ugh Catholic weddings are so long and boring and UGH”) to which I do my nervous laugh and scoot away.

I don’t really want to keep dragging on, I’m sure you get the point; I care too much about what everyone else thinks, which is dragging me down and making me not enjoy the process as much as I should be. Maybe I am overly emotional and sensitive, or maybe I am completely normal and justified. Maybe this is just a blip that every bride goes through when things come down to the last few months and planning goes into overload.

Whatever it is, and whether the words I am typing at this point even make sense, I just needed to get it out. And now I can hopefully move on and be a happy bride leading up to the wedding. I had my first bridal shower this weekend which was a great chance to start the wedding celebrations, be reminded of how many wonderful people are in my life, and relax and enjoy myself.

Those are the things I should be focusing on!